Transmission with Icarus

SENDING TRANSMISSION...
Icarus felt like shit right now. He really feels like shit. He tried to quiet down his hiccuped breaths with his mouth, pressing his hand hard against his lips to force himself to breathe through his nose. God, what the fuck was that? Ala had never raised his voice like that at him before, he’s come close, but never that loud to where it almost shakes the walls of the house. He never knew that his father could be so loud.
He locked his door. He doesn’t want to be bothered right now, and he sat himself down before the mirror in his room. He took off his glasses with a shake, and rubbed at his eyes, trying to make the tears disappear. Why couldn’t he understand? What the fuck is so much more important in that office than his own son? He relies on him so much, and the moment Icarus needs something, it’s the end of the world. Icarus was angry. He dug the heels of his hand into his eyes. So stupid. So fucking stupid. He hates that stupid office and whatever stupid thing his dad is so fixated on. He hates, he hates, he hates, he hates, he hates, he hates so much. 
He gripped at his hair hard. He hates everything right now, he knows it will go away, that he will feel guilty for showing such an emotion later on, but right now, he's engulfed with just so much hate. He could feel himself get warm, his face and shoulders starting to burn. He hates this room, he hates this house, he hates how he feels like he has to hide to feel safe. Why should he be hiding? Why, why, why? Why is he here? He looked up at his face, his red, puffy face. He hates the way his face is so round, he hates the acne scattered on his face, he hates his stupid glasses, he hates the length of his nose, he hates his hair, he hates his braces, and he wishes he didn’t have to share the features on his face with his dad. He wishes he could’ve just been made by his mother alone. 
And why should I feel guilty for having emotions anyways? Icarus thought to himself. He’s human, he’s a teenager, he’s growing, he needs help regulating these feelings from somebody. He shouldn’t be relying on medication just to feel some type of normal or guessing how he should cope with this. He needs help, he knows that, so why won’t he listen? He’s always listening to his father, he’s always been there since as long as he could remember. He can remember the nights Icarus would walk in on his dad crying in the living room, he was so young. He would sit with him, exhausted and half asleep, and listen to him rant on and on about his problems. He’s so sick of playing therapist all the time. He should be the one crying, ranting to his father about his feelings, he should be the one comforting. He should be the one half asleep, exhausted, worried about if it’s even safe to try and go back to your room, not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings. He shouldn’t be the adult between them. He’s fifteen fucking years old. So why? Why is this all happening?
Icarus looked at the open bathroom door. He got up and walked inside, turning on the light. He looks like shit right now, but he doesn’t care. He opens the medicine cabinet and grabs all the bullshit medication he has to take to be okay. He wants to be okay on his own. He wants to be okay. He wants to be a kid for once in his fucking life. Not an adult, not a superhero, not a student. A kid. He twists off the cap of the first yellow prescription bottle. He dumps the pills into the toilet and one by one, he empties every bottle he can. His breathing is heavy, his nose is so stuffed from all the crying he’s been doing.
He shouldn’t be crying. You shouldn’t be making your son cry just because he needs attention that you should be giving. You shouldn’t be making your son cry because he’s sick of taking care of you like you’re the kid. He looked at himself again in the mirror. God, he looks awful. He picked at his hair, it was getting really long. He started growing it out when he saw pictures of his dad when he had long hair. He wanted to be so much like him. Fuck. 
He opened a drawer, grabbed a pair of scissors, and started cutting at his hair. Chunks of hair fell into the sink, he wasn’t going for perfection. He just needed this weight off his head, he needs it off of him, he can’t stand it anymore. He put the scissors down when he was done. It was okay considering the circumstances. He could feel the breeze of the AC on his neck and he started crying again. He threw the pieces of hair into the toilet along with the now dissolved pills and he flushed it. Good riddance.
He didn’t bother changing into pajamas. He slipped underneath the comforter of his bed and closed his eyes, shaking. Fuck. He still felt so angry, so upset, and so exhausted, and so scared, he doesn’t know what to do anymore with himself. He heard a scratch at his door and got up slowly to let Achilles in. Achilles plopped himself beside Icarus on his bed and started licking his face free of tears. Icarus couldn’t stop crying and Achilles kept licking. Eventually, Achilles went to sleep, his big head tucked into Icarus’ neck, and Icarus stayed awake.
He looked at the time of his clock. 2:00 AM.

Transmission recieved.

Hello?

I'm laying in my bed. Playing with my Rubix Cube.

I'm fine.

Yeah. I know. I'm right here.

I don't want to talk about this right now.

Hi Min! I know you didn't mean to intrude... It's fine. It's just another one of the Archivist's cruel jokes, I guess. She says this could help me in the long run, but I don't know how. I don't like being watched.

I've been spending a lot of time with Opal. She's nice.

I like Maccaroni and Cheese.

I don't feel comfortable answering that, right now. But we're fine.

Yes! My dad always makes it for me when I've had a rough day, and that's how mom used to make it.

December 24th, 2005. Why?

I guess it's the 25th now. Merry Christmas, everyone.

You don't need to play dumb with me.

Thank you, Min.

Can you stop? Please?

1. My favorite Pokemon is Talonflame. 2. I love drawing. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. I want to be cartoonist someday. 3. I don't know, most video games don't interest me. I've been playing a lot of Malicious Tennant 4, though.

Thank you. That's what Daphne tells me. But I really have no reason to complain to begin with. I'm fine.

This will all feel like a dream come morning.

I should be practicing. I should be reading up on my manual right now, or doing a practice test, or what villain I should defeat for my big day. But I don't know. I just want him to be proud of me

I should. I'm going to Clara's Christmas Party tomorrow.

A friend.

I'm scared of snakes. But I shouldn't be.

Ireland is where The Wrath is from.

I read about it in Daphne's book.

Not directly. But we've read about it.

It used to belong to her father, it's filled with all sorts of strange tales. Spookums. Scarums. Whatnot. She's been letting me borrow it for the past couple days, and it's brought me a strange. Idk. Comfort.

That sounds fun. I don't know what that is.

Let me grab my mp3 player. One second

Between me and you lot, I'm thinking about asking out Hasaan.

Portraits of my mother and father.

I like Tally Hall. I also like David Bowie, Elton John, and Pink Floyd.

My favorite song by them is The Great Gig in the Sky.

A little. Rowan is a big fan of them and Oingo Boingo, and he's had me listen to them.

I liked ABBA. When I was little. Maybe I should listen to them again

No

Most people call Phoenix Cletanists crazy.

Sorry, didn't mean to ignore you like that. I'm autistic. I'm a bit overwhelmed. But Hasaan is nice. He's my best friend in the whole world
We haven't talked in a bit, though. Idk why

No. You're Observers. I'm a Phoenix Cletanist, I think. I'm still figuring things out, idk if i wanna convert

A little

Its all about themes and patterns. All religions have some things in common,, think about all the evil snakes you see. They're just noticing them

Apophis Cletanists are a little shady, yea, but they're the only ones who actually push harmful stuff. That and Angel Cletanists ig

Who they worship mostly. And certain beliefs i guess

They're not really a thing anymore

Yes.

i like it as a holiday. but i don't celebrate it

no. i'm not a cletanist completely. i just think some of it might be true, i don't know. i'm jewish

the Door

i Don't remember much. You'll have to ask my dad if you see him

Well, I saw it. I didn't believe it until i saw it

1. I felt a little scared. I felt a little angry. But a small part of me felt tempted. 2. I'm doing fine.

Sorry, I don't mean to confuse. The Archivist told me your world doesn't have those. I made a video to explain it, once. But they're little creatures that whisk you off into a wonderful world. Into a better world... I don't know why my dad doesn't want a better world.

Okay. One second
You might have already seen it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blOLNEOXeQc
YouTube
The Flower Girls! (Reuploads)
icarus0

like a rat trap. silly

u mentioned traps. idk it felt relevant Sorry

I've just been thinking a lot about this one story my dad used to tell me,

The first one

New timeline. Usually, it's a world where you're already dead. And everyone misses you

it's my father's door. he manifested it. he's be the one leaving me

No. i think

She's dead in the ways that matter.

It doesn't matter where i want them to go. i can hope and dream and pray but they're not For Me anyways

Idk. It never happened

i couldn't go through that door if i fucking wanted to. Its my dad's. i wouldn't take that away from him

its okay. you didn't do this

I'm not sure. I'm not sure what i'll do without him

couple months

i saw it happen. i was 3. she was up late, she didn't sleep a lot. i went to use the bathroom, and 008 was there. he told me to be quiet. he told me to play hide and seek. i knew what he was doing. i knew. but i didn't say anything. i was too scared. i stayed quiet. i could've screamed. i could've fought him. but i didn't. he decapitated her with the piano strings. it lasted about 8 minutes. i stood there. i didn't quite understand what the blood was. all that i knew was that she was gone and that dad would be mad at me for ruining my Sneakers. when dad came downstairs. about 10 minutes later. he was on the phone with Grandpa Vincent. he wouldn't stop crying. his cries were loud, he wouldn't stop screaming. holding his head against mom's. pounding his fist on the wall. when vincent arrived he had to hold him back. i had to live with grandma for the next few months after that.

i was the only person who could save her. i was supposed to be her hero.

It's okay. It's been a few years.

i could've screamed

Dad was the only person who knows. He read 008's journals. He won't let me read them until I'm older. He said it'll hurt me more. But idk. I think im old enough to know. i NEED to know. it's so fucking frustrating.

My dad doesn't like me giving out my birthday. But if it helps you, i was born on December 2st, 1990. i turned 15 today. sorry i said i was 16 earlier. i feel a lot older than all my friends Sometimes

Maybe i should do that now.

Sorry. I get my dates mixed up a lot. My birthday was 4 days ago

Should i go to my dad's room

He is. But he's asleep. i think

I don't know.

i'm quiet

i don't know. hes been sleeping in his office a lot

he's always home. he hasn't left the houst except to check on me since the Door showed up
he cares about me

i could do that. hold on

Good night Alice.
i'm going to go check

he's sleeping in his office. i think i'm fine

i'm going in
my dad's room is messy. it's covered in sketches and blueprints. my dad always wanted to be an engineer. if he wasn't a superhero. if i wasn't born
the air conditioner is blasting
it's fucking freezing

i don't know where he keeps them

that's what i've been doing
fuck
FUCK

i'm hiding in the basement right now. my dad woke up, he came in. he didn't say anything. he just stared at me. he looked a little sad. a little angry
daphne's book told me about this. so i ran

i can't do this anymore. Genuinely. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. Everyone is trying to help me. even my dad wants to help me. but it's not working. nothing ever works. it's just going to keep repeating and repeating and repeating. my dad tries his best and he's better than his dad. but i'll have kids one day Too. and i'll be just like him. Just another link in this chain.
 
I just want my mom. i just want my fucking mom to come back and tell me that i'll be fine. i just want my mom. i just want my fucking mom. If she was here my dad could've raised me right. I could focus on being a superhero or she'd just make him happy for once. All i want to see my dad be is happy. maybe this is what's best for both of us.
END TRANSMISSION.